Hi cyber world I’m writing or venting today because I feel a bit lost, unmotivated, confused, and just out of sorts. There’s a study on grief that has shown that about a year and half after a loss of a spouse, child, sibling, or parent your body starts to shut down. You have to fight against it. There is a real correlations between why so many people die after that loss of someone close. See you go into the fight or flight mode and your body pumps adrenaline for months and we aren’t made to have it going so long. As most of you know I work for the schools which is always a rush, then I have been trying to go through some of Mikey’s things, I try to answer messages, send people things they have asked for (a special gift or note), plan things for the fall, see shows people are doing, talk and see family, listen to others and their grief, keep the peace between all the different groups who were friends of Mikey’s, decide what to do with Mikey’s music, I could go on and on about what has yet to be done. But this is not about “poor me” it is just about why somethings are late or haven’t been done yet. I try to put things in a list as order of importance but someday or should I say most days the past couple of weeks I just don’t seem to be able to make myself follow through. I’m trying to find the motivation but I just want to sit and look out the window. I’m tired and sad knowing the world has moved on. I know lots of you out there still think of and feel Mikey and I know lots of you feel for me and mine (by the way that helps) but it’s hard. I have said I get lots of signs from Mikey which is true he leave me pennies and dimes most from 1981, he leave feathers and when I’m off on things he wants he is very loud in my head. It’s just so not the same as having him here. As all of us would give anything for one more moment with the person we lost or even trade places with them. I would give anything for that. I have misplaced some of Mikey’s things and just freak when I can’t remember where something is. As some of the kids say “I put on my crazy pants” when this happens and it has happened a bit more this past few weeks. I can’t find things like his bong-goes, his little Tv, a baby shirt (which we had at the funeral), old movies from when he was little, this box Mikey made in wood shop for me. I use to know where I put things, was very good at marking box’s and now it feels like I don’t know what the hell is going on. I like all of us still have family which has some very bad health problems which are getting worse. My mom who has Rheumatoid Arthritis, my dad had a Heart Attack the spring before Mikey passed, my brother is a transplant patient, and then a few who have cancer, all of them have had a few set backs since Mikey’s death. Well now that I have complained about my crap I would like to say I will get out things I said, will try to return calls, emails, clean up my voice mail for more messages, get to a few more shows, and get planning done for the fall. Thanks for listening, supporting and all your good wishes. Love Kathy
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Kathy,
you need sometime for yourself.
You really do:)
I don’t know you personally but I feel that Mikey would want that for you.
I hope things fall into place for you this week, you will find what your looking for when you least expect it;)
Much love
Erica Hamilton
Kathy i now know exactly how you feel i lost my dad in the begining of june and it hasn’t been easy everything that you mentioned i feel myself going through and although i still have my moments i smile at all the memories i have of him and just know that there are people who support you and love reading your stories (:
Stay strong, Kathy! I can’t imagine how hard it is…I was extremely depressed for a month or two after I heard the news, and at first I just didn’t want to believe it. It really was like losing a friend of mine, even though he had no idea I even existed.
Nobody blames you for things you don’t follow through on. You’re a kind soul for offering to do them in the first place! You don’t owe any of us anything, really, but whatever you do is most certainly appreciated by his followers.
All we really want you to do is keep the most positive outlook you can on life. Cherish the fond memories and be glad you were able to have the time that you did with him. Feel proud of the profound impact his music and personality had on his thousands of hardcore fans (myself included). I’ve probably said it many times elsewhere, but his music was one place I could always seek solace when my mind was acting up. You raised an incredibly bright and talented guy, and though he’s gone far too soon, he left a major impact on those of us lucky enough to cross paths with him and his work.
Keep your head up, and always look for the silver lining. Your mental and emotional outlook can have a direct impact on your physical well-being, so the best thing you can do is to try to realize what great things he managed to accomplish. If you need us, just let us know – we will help you in any way possible.
Thank you, ive been feeling the same way also. It reminds me that im not alone. I wish you well
Stop and look out the window all day. Thanks for everything you do.
I remember a post about Christmas/Winter Solstice so…
Just as the sun is on its journey back to be reborn, summer is the time to reflect, plan, and ready ourselves for what is to come again.
The world will never truly move on Kathy. Art lives forever and your son will exist in our hearts until we pass on and he moves on to a new generation of listeners. I wish you nothing but the best from the bay area.
I dont think theres a day that goes by that I dont think about his music and how he affected my life without ever having to meet me. This may change years down the road but he wasnt an average joe and the person that made him had to of been atleast semi great and you have proven this time and time again in the past year. Keep on keepin on even if that means you have to blow some things off to get to the more important. I wish you the best
Stay strong Kathy!
Much love from the ILLusionists fam. Maxx told me “stay positive” a few weeks ago, and those words pop in my head every day now. Don’t forget how many good people have your back!
As so many of us have before, I send my heartfelt condolences to you and the family. This unpredictable span of time we have on earth makes us appreciate the minute things in life more and more. All we can do is push forward and use the positive aspects of our dearly departeds’ lives as reminders that what we are given is a beautiful thing. I don’t hold a religious preference, but you don’t have to be religious to embrace something so intangible. Death of any friend or family member is a bridge that none of us are truly ever ready to cross, and grief will make its’ presence known from time to time, some days more intense than others. Know that you have people across the globe who send their support to you, whether we knew Mikey personally or no. I am on the verge of tears just writing this. The only comfort I can offer is that love has no expiration date, that is something that can never be taken from us. With deepest respect,
P.
You have a great way of explaining how you feel. That said, i think i can begin to understand what it may be like to be in your shoes, and even though my situation is different i can truly relate to what you’ve said. The last thing on my mind is appreciation when i have a thousand other things going through my head. Still, during the stretches of time that i feel like i’m at a low point, i try to remind myself to appreciate my past and present, and to do whatever is in my power to make a better future for myself and people close to me. Kathy, like all of us i’m sure you have a to-do list of things you’ve been meaning to do, and new stuff is always adding on to that. You don’t need to do something all the time, so even if you’re not at a show or returning a message right away, try not to feel bad about that. Try to do stuff at a time when you can enjoy it. I’d like to thank you for posting here Kathy, and i hope you have a great day 🙂
Reading your blog entries makes me want to cry, in a good way. They are incredibly touching.
I listen to Eyedea’s music all the time, and that will never change.
always remember how amazing he was, and how his messages and every little thing about him will always live on. I can’t thank you enough for making this website, i read it everyday and i just now felt like i could finally say something. You’ve raised a one of a kind, and your son, …he helped raise me through his words. he would want you to keep your chin up, and although i never had the chance to meet him, i feel so close every time i close my eyes and put his music in my ears. so i just want to thank you, and someday have an opportunity to shake your hand for bringing such a wonder into this world. i save up money little by little to grab an item or two from this site every chance i get before they’re gone. so please, please keep doing this, your posts make me smile everyday you share a little more about him
I was at the fri 13th aesop rock show last night in LA. I saw two kids with eyedea shirts. I think about him every day and I never knew him. The world has not moved on. It continues with him.
A truth that religions do not teach us is this: We exist simultaneously on both sides of the veil that separates the Realm of the Physical from the Realm of the Spiritual. We divide ourselves in order to experience the Realm of the Physical, we do not leave the Spiritual Realm.
Leaving the Spiritual Realm is not necessary for us to experience ourselves as Who We Really Are. We simply send a Part of Ourselves into the physical world, collecting and coalescing a portion of our Soul Energy in a particular location of Here and Now, in order to identify as who we are to be in any given life.
What actually happens at the moment of death
When we do the thing called “die” we simply Dissipate Identifying Energies (DIE), flowing our Essence once again back into the Whole Soul and the One Identity that we are.
kathy, please read HOME WITH GOD in a life That Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsche.
This is my first time visiting this site but I have been a fan of Michael’s music for years. When I read your post, it really resonated with me. My brother passed away at the same age, around the same time (Feb. 2011) and under similar circumstances. My sister and I were just talking about how the past year seems to have happened without us really taking notice of anything that happened, how everything just kind of floated by without any direct involvement on our part. Recently, we’ve been returning to normalcy in some ways but the loss seems to loom impossibly large again.
While it may seem people have moved on, I think that may be deceptive. I just think other people are integrating the loss a little more effectively than family is able to. Michael left a painfully brief but substantial legacy that isn’t going to go away.
I guess I just wanted I’m very sorry for your loss and I think it’s great that you’re keeping this site and helping to keep his fans connected to his music. Thank you.
I didn’t know your son or anything, but I do remember when I was living in California back in 2000 I was watching an HBO special on T.V. and it was a Rap Battle competition & I seen your son Mikey aka Eyedea on there & I was thinking to myself, hmmm, that’s pretty cool. And then they said that he was from St Paul, Minnesota & I was like “Whaaaaat” !!! I used to live in St Paul, Minnesota. And he won the Battle Contest & the rest is history. But that’s not the end yet. Then I moved back to Minnesota & I’ve been Djing off & on for quite a long time now. But I was at a Nightclub in downtown Minneapolis, I think it was called the Annex or Oaktree or something like that. lol But anyway’s, I was back in the V.I.P. section of the club hanging out & I look around & all the way back in a corner I see the One & Only “Eyedea” Mikey. I’ve Djed & been to alot of Celebrity type events & parties, so I don’t really get star struck or anything like that. To me, people are just people. Some are rich & famous, some are not. That doesn’t matter to me at all. I can have a better conversation with a homeless person to be totally honest. But back to the story, lol. So I go up to “Eyedea” Mikey & introduce myself & we chit chatted & talked for quite some time about alot of different things & what not. I must say, in my opinion, I’ve met alot of HipHop Mc’s & Rappers & alot of can be a bit cocky & conceited, but Mikey”Eyedea” was really humble & down to earth. He seemed to me to be a really nice guy & genuine. He was there to perform at the show. It was a great show I must say. So that’s my story & I’m stickin to it. lol It’s a True Story. I was really shocked when I heard the news of Mikey “Eyedea” passing away. I do have a question for you though. I was wondering, did you 2 ever go to Church when you we’re growing up? Just wondering, that’s all. I was pretty much raised in Church my whole life, but I got into alot of trouble growing up, but at the same time, I was a really good kid & got good grades & was involved in alot of differents sports & did music as well.
Well anyway’s, I’m sorry about your loss, but your Son Mikey”Eyedea” will alway’s be with your in Heart, Your Thoughts & Spirit.
Much Love, Respect & Appreciation.
Peace & God Bless
Hi Kathy, I thought that you might enjoy some of these quotes. I’m kind of a quote geek.lol I love quotes. Well anyway’s, I hope you enjoy some of these quotes & maybe some of these quotes may uplift & inspire you as well, Ok.
You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.” ― William W. Purkey
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The
“Without music, life would be a mistake.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” ― Bil Keane
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” ― Elie Wiesel
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” ― Albert Einstein
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ― Thomas A. Edison
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ― George Eliot
“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” ― G.K. Chesterton
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ― Theodore Roosevelt
“we accept the love we think we deserve.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” ― Mother Teresa
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ― Shel Silverstein
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” ― Helen Keller
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou
“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” ― Audrey Hepburn
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up becuase if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love
“I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” ― Mother Teresa
“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” ― Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Who!
“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will live as one.” ― John Lennon
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ― Winston Churchill
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ― Maya Angelou
“Well-behaved women seldom make history.” ― Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History
“You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.” ― C.S. Lewis
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” ― Maya Angelou
“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” ― Thomas Stephen Szasz
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” ― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ― George Bernard Shaw
“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.” ― Sam Levenson
“Peace begins with a smile..” ― Mother Teresa
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” ― Audrey Hepburn
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” ― Margaret Mead
“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ― Dalai Lama XIV
“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” ― Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten