Hi world I have to say I have been overwhelm this summer and maybe that’s why the posts have been negative or of loss lately. There are many studies on grief and I have mention this before but, what I’m trying to explain to the masses is, that grief which is a very personal thing, is to say the least, a long journey. This journey begins with a lot of urgency, so many things to do, people to be told, arrangements to be made, decisions on the material things, moving everything. Then comes the funeral, the good byes, people return home, back to their lives and with Mikey it was a little more involved. Due to not only who he was a person and all the people he helped, he was a public figure through music. That to me was a choice he made and I felt then as I do know that the public should have there time with Mikey. After a couple months my mom came to me and said she wanted people to know Mikey as a person not just the artist. So we made her a face book page so she could talk about him. That wound up not to work for her. She found that some of the negative things or the strong attachment to him as a artist. So she doesn’t use FB any more. I have as you know put things, feelings, stories, and thoughts out. Sometimes there is more than others but I’m still trying. On this journey that we are all taking, each of us is not only at different points of the grief process but also we have different backgrounds, beliefs, and then throw in society, shake and you get emotions. In some of the grieving studies I have looked at it seems that the second year is a very tough time. It seems that as some of the urgency has worn off, people return to their lives, the ones left go again through a loss. This summer has been that for me. I have not been able to get through as many of Mikey things, it has been hard to make myself even start with his studio. I am going to get in there and pull out all the music so that hopefully by the time winter comes around, we can get people to record in there again. I know Mikey would like to see young kids in there, new artists, even some old friends. Part of the conflict that comes along with grieving process is the internal things and the outer world. This made me think of a passage from Alan Watts in his book This Is It which is mainly about the conflict and if we can merge the two we would be better off. He calls it “the full life” “We noted that our society tolerates the full life, the love of both spirit and nature, only in the artist, but just because it does not take him seriously, because it regards him as an entertaining irrelevance.” I feel that for me the terms of loss are not agreeing, my insides want to scream all the time and the outer world says go ahead, then when I do some are so shocked. So for now I scream to and by myself. I know many would not at all mind me to call them, here’s the rub on that. I have always been the one who others count on, lean on, I am the rock. I do make a few funny calls to people in the wee hours of the night. Thanks Jammie (El-P), Dose(Adam), and Slug (Sean). This journey we are all on is one we have to take at our own pace. You all have been very good at not letting me forget that I’m not alone. The stories, re accounts of how Mikey made a impact on you, when you met him or didn’t get to meet him. I’m sorry some of you feel I should move faster, pasted this, be who I was before. That person maybe gone forever, I don’t know only time will tell. What I do know is that the world moves and doesn’t wait even when I ask it to stop for just a moment so I can catch my breath. Thank you all so much for your continued Support and Love. It does help. Love Kathy
its beautiful
Michael left such a huge impact on me as a person, and even like countless others who didn’t know him, I feel a sense of loss – but also a sense of hope in his legacy. You are in my prayers and thoughts as you go through this, and I hope one day that maybe I can change the world with the inspirations that I’ve been given through your son’s music and life. Thank you so much,
Caleb
love you and send the best thought your way often, kathy. take your time. xo
Loss takes time, more so for some people. Dealing with it is up to you and how you want to deal with it. I know it’s hard, so no one is telling you to do it now or tomorrow or the next day, they are just wanting to make sure you do deal with it, in your own way. He is with us always, the true people who followed and listened. He will be missed.
Much life, love, and prayer.
Jake
Today I met someone named Mike and told him that his name meant his words heal, his father has Parkinson’s (my grandfather had the same condition). I told him that every shake is his fight for survival, and encouraged him to continue connecting. He went behind the counter and wrote it down.
:’/ I find it awfully hard to smile when I think of this throughout the day. My heart and thoughts go out to you and him.
Hey momma, you taught me well, raised me right. Now I’m you, taking care of everyone, being the rock, the shoulder to lean on…the whipping post. Kath, our connection cannot be defined with one word, friend, best friend, sister, mother, mentor, idle, soul mate…I could go on and on. So you listen to me momma….scream! Scream at everyone and everything, don’t you dare bottle yourself up with grief and hide what and how and when you process this time in your life. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially any “sorry’s”. Sorry for what, sorry for how others do or do not understand? Well I understand. Cancer robbed me of who I used to be, and I’ll never be that “Nettie” ever again. Life altering events change who you are, you see and hear differently, you spend so much energy weighing the “should I or shouldn’t I? To care or not to care, to fight or flight, to tell or not to tell. Fuck that…your energy needs to be focused on Kathy and how to best fix your broken pieces. And it’s fine if some pieces just can’t be fixed…that defines who you are now. Coming from me I know all too well that suggesting you stop being the shoulder to lean on, the one to count on, the caregiver would do more damage than good. That piece of you will never change. You were born into that role, unlike me, who learned my role from you. I can’t imaging how you emotionally digest all the comments from strangers telling you how strong you are, what an inspiration you are. What the fuck do they know? They have no fucking idea how amazing and fragile, and yes, strong you are. They don’t know you, their comments are obligatory and empty. Like when I give up that I’m the token cancer survivor in the room, and people I don’t even know tell me how strong I am. No I’m not, I’m not strong, I’m not a warrior…I’m lucky, that’s it, just lucky. It’s an accident that I’m still here, as was it an accident that took our Mikey from us. Scream now Kath, scream at me while you’re reading this. Everyone scream. At the very least you can do that. I can’t. I’ve told you this, you know how I’m dealing, or better yet not dealing with my grief. Nothing has ever hurt me like this. I won’t apologize for putting myself out there like this nor will I sit idly by while I read your posts and see you expend all this energy on feeling bad about blasting what’s on your mind and in your heart. Do you momma, do what may feel unnatural, let them take care of you for a minute, or an hour, or a lifetime. We both need to find a way, a time to forgive him as the anger part of the grieveing process is one that is eating you up inside, and shit, I’m ignoring the anger completely. Things will never be the same for our family, ever. In time we both will realize this and swallow that pill….take our medicine and move on “smiling”. For now, here is year two without him and I truely know what your feeling….because I am you.
I fully agree with Nettie. Love you ladies.
michaels loss was a horrible incident but he has touched thousands of lives, his spirit and the strength of his loved ones will live on forever in my mind and my ipod, ReyeP
Just felt like it was important to let you know that even though fans like myself don’t really know Mikey personally, the words and the songs are really important. So many of the lyrics remind me of myself and if nothing else, it makes me not feel as alone in my thoughts. Thank you for continuing to allow us to be a part of it.
Kathy, even though loss takes time it’s something one never really gets over its something you learn to live with. Its true, our world comes to a sudden stop and then rest of the world keeps going. Take your time no one has the right to tell you how to grieve. Scream, let it all out when you feel like it. Which ever way you feel like expressing yourself will be the right way. Much love and respect to you and your family.
While it feels like a violation to comment on any of what you, as family, are going through, I also feel compelled to mention something a pastor said at a young man’s funeral I attended last weekend: “We grieve in proportion to the Love we shared with the person we’ve lost.” By that definition alone, a mother is due all the time and affection she can ask for through the journey.