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Hi world, I have been having an interesting end to the year. I have been a bit hard on myself for not getting things done I wanted. It seems like every year since Mikey has passed I feel I didn’t do enough. I wanted to get three music projects out and didn’t, I wanted to get most of the play finished and didn’t, I wanted to get the house rearranged and didn’t finish, and I wanted to not be sad everyday and didn’t. Not to speak of all the personal things I should get done. Oh well there is now another year to try to do all those things and more.
So this is about many things, one thing is I took a road trip this holiday season and it brought back many things about Mikey. Like the many road trips we took. We went to the Grand Canyon, up the North Shore, Disney World, Jay Cook State Park, Duluth, countless Scribble Jams, trips with Anthony (as you kids call him Tony Bell), Seattle, the Black Hills, Mt. Rushmore, and that’s just a few I remember. One of the things that we always had was music and I took mine with. Yes I even played it for most of the drive. I drove with a friend to Florida. It took us 24 hrs and I drove most of it, like I enjoy. It made me think about one of the first times Mikey went on tour and was going to be gone for over a month. We went out to buy cd’s for him to have on the drives and he bought me ones too. He was just such a great kid always thinking of others. So I listened to old music and I have to say it wasn’t to bad, a little sad but not to bad. When in Florida I did a few things that we (Mikey and I) had done before, but the good and bad or yes and no to things was yes we were here but no they have moved on. Like I took my friend to Church Street Station (one of our favorite places) and it was still there but had been bought by some company and you can’t even go in it. All that beautiful craftmens work, golden stair case, fountains, galleries, all changed. So things always move on no matter how much we wish it would just stand still for one moment.
Since Buck 65 is posting music picks I thought I would add a few I listened to on my trip.
Phil Collins “In the air tonight” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkADj0TPrJA
Gary Wright “Dreamweaver” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uri-9AM6_M
James Taylor “Up on the Roof” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMt2Vh7otQ0
Elton John “How wonderful life is” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMqGzC4NEpA
Moody Blues “The story in your eyes” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-iJ47in9YQ
Then when I got home I started to more rooms around down stairs cuz I’m going to do some more work down there. I came across more of Mikey’s things I didn’t know were around. Like this box he made it hold some kind of equipment coved in this blue shag carpet. I remember when we had to get this it’s in the garage on the walls as sound proofing stuff. He had this thought that it would be cool to put up different stripes of carpet on the walls for sound proofing instead of tearing up the walls to put something inside. We built a small stage type area in the garage. Next to my brothers race car. Which both are still in there and this spring I needed to do something about that. I spoke about the briefcases, more notebooks, Brady has been amazing and looking at them. We started scanning and tagging what there are so we can start to sort lyric from school work, or poetry, books parts, or just writings. I tagged a bit, he goes in detail and we more to another book. I have two feeling (yes and no, good or bad) on all this, one is I don’t want to know what he wrote and on the other I want to know. He was so funny some of the things would amaze me and others would just infuriate me. My family is very dark humored and it’s hard for others to understand. I even found the card from the guy who asked Mikey to come do a open mic stand up comedy. I never know what I’ll find.
I did go to Sea World when in Florida, and when home I found this picture of Mikey and his grandma at Sea World when he was about 8yrs old. He and the horse have their heads tilted. I found some picture of Face Candy which I put on that site. I forget sometimes to post on there so they get them.
Well enjoy your day, I will get something done this year, hug everyone but ask those you don’t know if it’s ok first, catch up with friends, spend a few minutes in the fresh air be it hot or cold, and thank you for reading, loving and supporting me. Love Kathy
I have been feeling out of sorts lately when I go to shows or events, even just driving around town. Most places I look some memory of something comes through. If I drive home from my parents business I go by where Mikey had his apartment and I will look to see if a lights on or a shadow in the window. I know it wouldn’t be him but I still get that thought. Or I have to go shopping and would want to call him and say “you need food lets go shopping?” Like the shows I’ve gone to and said in a face book post how I feel funny, like I’m out of place. Don’t get me wrong the shows have been really good, I’ve had a bit of fun, saw a few people, like I said Slug even tried to get me to dance. I’ve started listening to old music a little again, even put a few old pieces up on some of the sites. Not of Mikey, just music we use to listen to or something that talks to how I feel. Although Mikey had heard any song I put up.
As we are coming up on another holiday I can’t help but to wonder if Mikey would be in town, would I cook, would I be living here, would my sister have cancer, and would Mikey still be saying “I’ll be more famous when I’m dead”. Now when Mikey would say that to my mom or me we would always say something to the effect of I don’t want to hear that, or when you win a grammy I want you to say thank you mom. Which I use to say often to him. In some way we both were kidding but in some way we were not. The yes and no part of life.
Sometimes I wonder did I do enough, I should of taught him better lessons, did I tell him how wonderful he is, when did I stop telling him “I knew before you were born that you are ment to do something great, something that will affect lots of people. I’m not sure what or how but something” when he was little, he would laugh and say how could I do that. I always said I don’t that, I just know you will. When he was older he would respond you have to say that. I use to tell him no I don’t. But really as parents we do. (again yes and no of the world) When he was an adult I remember still saying it but not as often, and he would respond by just saying I love you. I don’t know now if he was just excepting or didn’t want to hear it.
I do believe Mikey knows what we have done, the good and the bad. I do know he knows all the wonder things people have done in his name, all the things that well be here for generations to come. The water well in Africa, the bench and table in Cherokee Park, the countless paintings, drawings, home made tee shirts, tattoos, the parents and children who have been named after him, the star, and the high school senior who took his senior photo with the winter tee on. In that school alone there are over 2000 kids and if only 1/4 of them buy their year book that means another group of people 50 or more years from now will still be talking about why so and so is the only senior in a tee shirt. The same holds true for his high school who gave him a place on their wall of fame. All these and many more thing will carry on his name, his ideals, his way of making everyone of us feel connected will continue. I’m not forgetting the music that is something on it’s own, the other things are a direct result of his passing. I do think he is having a bit of a laugh at our expense “he is more famous” and more eternal.
There are still some who think I’m getting rich, some who think I’m not serving Mikey’s memory in the best way, some who think I’ve not done a good job at doing things the way Mikey would or even some who think I should do more. Sorry to tell you this but I’m not Mikey. I can do the best at what he wanted, finish things he had planned on doing, and things are being done differently, things are a bit less than what he would do himself (in some minds), but that’s cuz he’s not here (physically) any more, but I do know he is with me very step of the way. I also know he’s a bit unhappy with some of us. Not because I’m unhappy with how they have behaved but because he had higher hopes for them.
Mikey believed that all of us, has it within us to do better, help those around you, to improve the world, and love with all your heart. Now many feel they had unfinished business with him, that without him it’s hard to be that better person he knew you could be. But isn’t that the real test can you be better without him? Most of the time I can not. As I have said I have a little black heart, which has been sort of a joke most of my life. I have a couple of life long friends who know how bad I can be, but when Mikey came along I mellowed. One of my friends use to say I only had room for Mikey in my little black heart. He might of been right.
I go back and forth about a lot of things especially when people question why or how I’m doing something but as I have said a few times about time we are of two trains of thought. We either have all the time in the world or there is never enough time. I think I’m working on there is never enough. To get things done, to see things move forward, to put things in place for future plans, all before I run out of time. Which one day will happen I too wont be here.
Hi world I just wanted to say that in the past couple of months other peoples music has been popping in and out of my head. Which is a good and bad sign in my mind. It’s good that others and music is coming back to me but it’s bad cuz I don’t want others in my mind I want Mikey. When I have put up music that’s not Mikey’s some people have been mean about things that it’s not hip hop on the E&A site. But I say if you know anything about Mikey and Maxx you would know they pulled from many types of music be it rap, jazz, old rock, punk, even from classical but they were put in a category and for some they need to stay there. But how do we grow if we stay in one thought? Growth is moving from something comfortable to the unknown. Exploring things around you with a curiosity, an open mind not looking at it from the same light, position you have always looked. That is not to say you shouldn’t have faith, hope, beliefs. It’s just to say look at things from more than one side.
So this song came out when Mikey was about 2 and when he couldn’t sleep I would sing it to him. Now it’s about the loss of love which can apply to many forms but for me as we get close to the day of Mikey’s funeral it has by popping in my head so I thought I would share. I would call this a classic rock song. Hope it works. Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclispe of the Heart”
Thank you for being supportive, sharing your memories, sharing stories, showing up at events, buying things, and listening to me. Love Kathy
Well as we reach 3 years since Mikey passed, I still have lots of emotions. I want to say many things to many people but I will keep this as all post in general terms. If this applies to you, you should know it, if it doesn’t you should know that too, and if you are unsure maybe that means you should take a look at what your doing and ask would Mikey do this. I told a little about how when Mikey was asked by a friend to help his mom and host a benefit for his sister who passed. Mikey said yes and changed his tour schedule to be here and host the benefit. So first I would like to say THANKS EVERYONE who has stuck by me and my family, those of you who wish us well, like the posts, support with words of encouragement, buy things from the web pages, those who have gotten tattoo, sent in pictures, made t-shirts, yellow flowers, help with all the stuff, came and boxed up stuff, those of you who continue to listen and support me with all my feelings, ups and downs, those of you who still keep in touch.
As some of you may know but I go to therapy weekly again or now. I did a few times when Mikey first passed but as we both felt I was dealing ok for why I was there I stopped until this past spring. I found myself being very angry at all the things I missed, all the new 1st, dealing with everyone else’s grief, not having anyone but this web place to talk, or vent my feelings. Even on the web sometimes people don’t like the way I feel. Like Mikey said, “These songs ain’t me it’s just the way I feel at a particular moment” As the feelings are not always good or bad they are feelings.
One thing I would love for everyone to try is take just 5 sec (count one mississippi) and think of the person who you are closest to you. Be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, friend, spouse, the one person you count on. The one you think to call for good and bad, to tell this or that to, the one who you rely on and them on you. We all have someone, that one we turn to for all things in life good and bad. Now that person is gone. I don’t mean moved away, you fought and don’t talk, or everyone got busy with life. I mean they are gone you can no longer hear their voice but in your head or on video’s, you no longer see them but in your head or pictures, there are no hugs, no laughter, no smiles, no little teasing between the two, no jokes, no help. Just feel that for 5 second. Some of you will emphasize, some will get a deeper understanding, some will be sympathetic and again some will not.
I try hard to keep up with as many comments, emails, letters, phone calls, shows, activities of others, things to keep Mikey’s legacy going, all the positive things that have come out of this tragedy. One of the main constants has been BradyBrody. Mikey picked him to help Mikey with Crushkill and man has he stepped up and done a GREAT job. Even when he may not agree with me he is of the mind of Mikey and just says your his mom ok if that’s what you want. Maxx too has been very “you can do what you want”.
I have as we get closer to that day 3 years ago I find myself doing more things by myself than I would like or ever had to. The construction or deconstruction has been fun but very hard. I have RA and my hands still after almost a week of not holding a hammer are not able to close or make a fist yet, I will soon I hope. I can’t lift things like carpet without help and that’s hard to find. See my dad lets face it is mid to late 70′s, my brother does as much as he can but he too has a life, wife, family and health issues. He has my kidney which is why he is still alive but they don’t last long. On average transplanted kidney last 10 to 12 years, we are working on 13. So when there is a new layer of grief it is hard to work through again and alone.
At Mikey’s funeral one of his first mentors Glo said, “If this doesn’t change you nothing will” My mom really believes that and has sat back and watched as some have changed for the better, some have returned to who there are, some have claimed they can’t change, but a few she made pictures for really stepping up, in her mind and made an effort.
Be patient with me all things will get out, made, thanked, acknowledged, and the world will get better one person at a time.
Over the years there have been various shirt designs, and now we want to open up it up and let fans submit the next design!
To enter: Submit your Micheal “Eyedea” Larsen related shirt design to CrushkillRecords@gmail.com by noon CST on Wednesday, September 25th.
Avoid using: Logos and copyrighted photos (email with any questions if you’re in doubt). Stick to t-shirt designs as opposed to long sleeves, sweatshirts, etc.
How we’ll pick a winner: A few days after the deadline we’ll upload the top three shirt designs to a photo album on the Crushkill Recordings Facebook page, and let you, the fans, vote on them for five days, then the photo with the most likes will be chosen as the winning design.
Prize: The signed copy of Eyedea Freestyles CD-R pictured below, your shirt design printed by Crushkill as the next Eyedea shirt, and a prize pack of merch (including the shirt YOU designed, and some rare extras) from our web store.
View existing shirts here, and good luck!
For people wondering about having Micheal’s handwriting for tattoos, etc. here are a few examples. There are also some copies of handwritten pages in his poetry books (currently the only one in print is Be A Gift).
Well world how’s everyone doing?? Off to a great show tonight Sadistik at 7th St. But for now it’s been a weird couple of weeks. I have found that after spending a few weeks going through Mikey’s things, I’m in a humdrum place. Not that many of you know but I have PTSD (not from war), and I find it kicks in at the strangest times. Like after I have been stressed about Mikey’s things, a tough decision, over loaded and you would think it would come during those things, but no, mine rears it head after. It’s like if what is going on isn’t tough enough, when you think it’s all done here comes more. I haven’t been able to make some calls, which I should of this week and last, or fix a few things that got done wrong, or get things done to help others so that things aren’t so hard on them. I fine myself sitting in the yard just staring at the world. Not really watching anything. I guess the birds and then I think to myself your going to be that bird lady. Which would be ok but I don’t like pigeons I like cardinals, morning doves, bluebirds, robins, eagles, hawks, and owls. I did do some yard which brings me to my next rant.
I may have said this before but every time it happens it’s like a clap in the face and not in the good way. 1st, yes 1st, now most of your lives we spend doing 1st such as walking, talking, kissing, jobs, homes, bikes, cars you get what I mean. But after you loss someone there are a lot of 1st like the 1st holiday, 1st b-day, 1st vaca, 1st wedding, 1st game, 1st show where theres a doppelganger, and when you think there can’t be another one sure enough one comes poking around the corner. I went to my nephews all star baseball game, they won and I found myself thinking Mikey would of loved to see this. My nephew pitches and did an amazing job. He held the other team 3 whole innings with no hits. He’s only 13. So in the past few weeks I have noticed that on Mikey’s facebook page there have been no pokes. That’s a 1st since he passed. I get it and it’s not a bad thing, it was just a 1st. I have been preping my drive way to seal it and another 1st. The last time Mikey and I did it together. It took less time of course and we had fun doing it. This time took me 2 days and it was ok, but another 1st none the less. Now last year I went to the state fair which was a 1st but that turned out to be a good day and I’m looking forward to going again this year. A big part of that is due to Jeremy, Mijah, Sarah, and Jonny. They and I had a great day, and believe it or not we spent like 14 hours there and the kids were just amazing. So I’m ready to go again.
Well just a little in the life and crime of 1st. Bite your tongue, grind your teeth 1st will turn into 2nd and 3rds and so on. I don’t think they will be easier but at least you know there coming and isn’t knowing half the battle?
Thanks for the love, support, and continuing to pass on Mikey’s thoughts, message, and wisdom.
Hi world I’m just putting up a tiny note on today. Today started early and sad as a lot of Sundays do. By now I have been up over 7 hours and 1/2 a pack of cigs. I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is I go to breakfast with my folks and seeing them so sad is difficult for me sometimes. See as I have said before Sunday morning is when I had to tell them about Mikey. It was one of those Sunday’s we all were going to breakfast. I was to pick up Mikey and meet my folks at 8am at the restaurant. But instead I went over there about 7 and told them. I still hear my mom saying “no it’s not true” I think when I asked them to call my brother and sister before they heard it some where else, is when it became true for them. I went home and started calling others. As I said I had a pretty good routine down.
So for today’s activities did the breakfast thing with my folks, Jason is coming over to do a few more of those boxes of things I have. Hanging with Patrick before he is off (in military) for a couple years. Fire tonight, burning old papers. If you would like to bring prosperity into your life burning on Sunday’s and Thursday’s is the best days to do that. So tonight at sundown I will be getting a few of the many old files, bills, paper of all sort into the fire. Making room for new and better things to come in.
Thank you all for reading, supporting
Enjoy your day
A bunch of friends are either touring through Minneapolis, or have big local shows coming up. Here’s information on those shows, including DJ Abilities playing at The Garage on August 17th.
Wednesday, July 24th
Rap for Life 2
w/Guante, Christopher Michael Jensen, KILLSTREAK (Tony The Scribe x ICETEP), Silknote (Antioch x Eloda x Wolphe), A Lot Of Strictly Hammers (Crimson x MidiEvil x A Lot), Irenic, Kaoz
Doors open at 7:00 pm | Music starts at 7:30 pm SHARP | 18+ | $7
A fundraiser for Missions Inc. Donate directly here.
Friday, July 26th
Carnage & Desdamona Present: “Double Dysfunction” – A Dual EP Release Party.
Time: 9:00 pm
Cost: $10 adv $12 door
Triple Rock Social Club
Tickets. Facebook event.
Friday, August 9th
Sadistik + Ecid (celebrating his 30th birthday!)
w/Maulskull, Christopher Michael Jensen, PCP
Admission – $12 | Doors at 9:00 pm | Show at 9:30 pm SHARP | 18+
7th Street Entry
Tickets. Facebook event.
As part of Sadistik’s Bedlam & Breakfast Tour.
Saturday, August 17th
w/Koo Koo Kanga Roo, Wiping Out Thousands, Strangers (Tyler Nelson + Dem Atlas), Christopher Michael Jensen
$10 ADV $12 DOS 5:00P – 11:00P All-Ages
Tickets. Facebook event.
Saturday, August 24th
Blueprint + Illogic (Greenhouse)
w/Sean Anonymous, Ecid, Big Jess, I.B.E, Vision the kid, literati, Mike Dreams, Bobby Phisher, Sketch tha cataclysm
Cover: 7.00 adv 10.00 door
TICKETS GO ON SALE 7/19
fifth element and host stand at pourhouse