Walking

12460_1217218242896_933267_nI try to walk my neighborhood a couple times a day, these days. It helps to work on motivating me a little. I walk barefoot to connect with the ground, grass and pavement a like. Today as I was out I was thinking about words, life, and how things are. I have gotten asked many times if I have regrets, guilt, sorries, would you do things different, and I usually answer yes and no.

The yes is of course we all would like to do something different, say something we didn’t, take back something we said or did.  The no is if things were done differently then we wouldn’t become or do the things we did. If I had done something differently Mikey wouldn’t of been who he was. Now some may think Mikey was born to be who he was no matter what part the rest of us played. That two is yes and no.

Yes, I believe each of us is born to a purpose or reason and that never really changes. As I said once before when Mikey was just a toddler we were at a book store and my mom and I found a book that told about people’s births. In this book the two things that stood out then and still now were he was going to be a vegetarian and that he would pass before 32. So when I read the vegetarian part out loud my mom and I both laughed because this little kid ate about every three hours and liked meat. Then when I came on the death I slammed the book shut and said that’s enough of that I don’t want to know any more. My mom picked it up and read some but I walked away so she couldn’t tell me. We talked about it here and there over the years and then Mikey became vegetarian and I wondered what else was in it. But I can remember the store we were at, which I don’t think exist any more B Dalton was the name. I know it’s not at the mall we were at, it is not there I know that. Not the damn name of the book or author.

The no is I believe our environment plays apart in what we do also. Letting Mikey explore things he was interested in, standing by him, supporting him, teaching him, and protecting him. All gave him an environment to become who he was. It is both nature and nurture that makes up who we become. So Mikey was going to be something special I would tell him and others that starting from before he was born. Yes most, if not all, mom’s talk to their babies while they are still in us.

I have more memories than any other word. I have many I have and will share, I have some I will keep just for me, some are our families, some are friends. They too will choose what and when to share or keep. I have reflects which are not good or bad just an out side look at things. Seeing all sides to what took place is sometime hard to look at. Even harder to understand.

Loss and strength two words that seem to be daily in my life now.  I hear a lot, sorry for your loss, you are so strong. I understand many think I’m doing better then they if they were in my shoes. I disagree I think some have done better with worse and others have done badly with less. Each of us has the ability to do what is necessary but having the tools that go with not all of us have. I don’t have many tools but I’m learning new ones to help.

Life I believe is a wheel is has moved in the time it has taken to write this. It has moved to someone has died, been born, laughed, cried, kissed, hit, loved, hated, hugged, shared, learned, taught, craved, explored, and many more have turned. I don’t feel I can change life it is what it is and will be. I can look at life as an adventure with all the ups and downs that an adventure holds. I can move with the wheel or against it, but the wheel has moved. So have all of us. Some have moved far in all ways, some have moved in sum way, some a little way, some are back peddling and want the wheel to go that way too, some just don’t know the wheel moved, some don’t care and some want it to go faster. There is nothing we can do with or against it has moved. Acknowledge it Accept it The world has moved on. But none of this doesn’t mean we can’t change that’s the funny thing about all creatures the ability to change. Everything in the universe is always on the change.

Mikey was so smart on so many things. Many times in his music he has asked the tough questions: What would you do if you only had an hour left, would you spend it saying it’s not enough or I asked like 20 questions and still wasn’t sure, so I turn around and found my self in heaven or Will the children be alright without a proper guide, to all my loved one and followers at least I tried or Only the lonely resent angels for flying or Sometimes gun fire burns brighter than sun shine or I just hope he got to see the sun, one more time before. Now these aren’t questions per se I’m just remembering thought provoking parts of songs.

Just things I pondered on my walk. Thanks for reading, thanks for sticking with me, thanks for sharing, thanks for supporting, thanks for loving each other, thanks for hugging, and don’t forget to smile. Love Kathy

This Article Has 28 Comments
  1. Anthony Pepe says:

    Dear Kathy,

    I respect you so much for all you have done over your life and yes, you are a strong woman for doing everything you have done and acting on everything you have acted on. Not many people would do this. You stand up for what you believe in and arent afraid to be real and express your true feelings. I have been a fan of Michael for a little more than a decade now only because of my older brother who introduced me when I was 13 years old. He was able to see them live once at the fox in boulder in 2004 and coulndnt say better things about the performance. I am sorry for rambling on but I just want you to know his lyrics and his songs hold such a special place in my heart and I always smile for mikey…
    Thank you,
    Sincerely,
    Anthony Pepe

    • KathyAverill says:

      Thank you for your support. I do think artist we learn about in our early teens can help us all through life. Love Kathy

  2. Brian Murphy says:

    I’ve only been a fan for about a year now(thanks Slug!), but I have most of Mikey’s music. I feel a great sense of loss with him, as I do Kurt Cobain. Mikey, from what little I know of him, seemed a genius. His lyrics were very witty and educated. My sister doesn’t live far from you, and I kick myself for not knowing of him earlier so I could see him in person. I’ve had respect for him all along, I’d like to think we’d be good friends, even better, I didn’t know he was a vegetarian too. In conclusion, By the Throat will always be one of my favorite albums. Thank you for raising Mikey to be Mikey and blessing all his fans. R. Eye. P.

    • KathyAverill says:

      I’ll have to say thanks to Slug also if you found your way to Mikey and his genius. Thank you. Love Kathy

  3. Nigel Burk says:

    Mikey remains the everlasting immortal beating heart of the oasis. I think of you, Kathy, and wish only the brightest of days quite regularly because you are responsible for raising and supporting the growth and nature of my all-time hero. My personal poetry, drawings and paintings all have a dash of what i feel Mikey would appreciate and respect. Lots of love for you.. No matter what you’ll always have me as a friend.

    • KathyAverill says:

      Thank you and I’m glad that you think of us. It makes long days a bit brighter with everyone who finds some peace in his words. Love Kathy

  4. Linnea Vallejos says:

    Without Mikey’s music I really don’t think I would have made it through the darkest and lowest points of my life!! Thank you Kathy!!!!!

  5. Bakang Saurus Koloi says:

    You were blessed to have Mikey who was blessed with the talent to blessed us with the music. I love his music bad and follow. Unbelievable, i’ve known and became a fan of him not knowing he has long passed. Just discovered now in one of the comments in a hip hop page as one underated rapper, ‘R. Eye P’ they wrote. His soul is at peace, and he shall forever live in me, and you. R. Eye. P, Eyedea

  6. Sharon says:

    Thanks Kathy for your words if wisdom. Your son was a brilliant poet and musician and I know his music through my daughters. I’m trying to make sense of two events right now. My younger daughters boyfriend died 2 weeks ago of an overdose and one week ago I found out my older daughter is having a baby, she’s not married but in a committed relationship and self supporting. We are truly blessed but I am so sad for the mom of my daughters boyfriend who passed. It was a recent relationship so I don’t know her. Somehow though your words help as does the music. Please day a prayer for the mom, Karen. Thanks and God bless

  7. Damon Dickinson says:

    Hello, my name is Damon & I’m from Oregon. I’ve been a Fan of Micheal”eyedea”Larsen since the Blaze Battle (circa,2000). When I listened to first born for the first time, I was elated to find out that E&A & their music was Deep, Thoughtful, & Overall on a completely different level than other Hip-Hop that I’d been listening to up to that point…….It wasn’t until November 2007′ when I found out (ahead of time,finally!!) that E&A were coming to The Hawthorne Theatre in Portland,OR. on December, 10th. I got a buddy of mine to go with me, & we went. That night I heard “Kristoff Krane” for the first time, & was amazed by how talented he was. But, when E&A came on….I went nuts,lol. Seriously, I was more than ready for the show. I was dancing & rappin along with eyedea(trying to, anyways!) trying to go word for word,lol. I’m pretty sure I was the only one acting a fool, but I did’nt care, I’ve been waiting for this for awhile now. Anyways, after the show, I Remember…when they were done with their set, eyedea put on this big ass jacket & jumped off stage(not very high maybe…3 or 4ft) & started walking through the crowd & shaking hands. As he walked past me, I patted him on the back to get his attention, I’ll never forget it, He turned around & stared straight into my chest.(I forgot to mention that I’m 6’8″.) I Remember, he then looked slowly up at me…..paused for a second & said “whassup”….I too paused….& then said “Great” Great F’N show man, you guys killed it! He was appreciative. He then walked over to The merch table him & abilities were signing autographs at & he Bullshitted with me for the next 10min. or so….there wasn’t that many people who came up to get autographs, which I found dishearting considering the Amazing Show they just put on(still one of my personal favorites) he signed the carbon carousel album for me(which I still have & is my most treasured music item) He did’nt have to talk to me for as long as he did, but….he did! & I will always be thankful & will always remember that. I apologize if that was too long But, I just wanted to share that story. It really means alot to me! I wish I could’ve saw them(E&A) again…But, I’m Extremely thankful for the One! Thank you!

    • David says:

      Hey, I had a similar experience to yours. I saw Eyedea at the High Noon Saloon in Madison, WI shortly before he passed. I chatted with him briefly after the show, and again at the merch table. Instead of just giving us a regular signature, he signed his name across all four of our tickets, which I thought was a pretty cool way of doing it. My friend Tommy ended up framing them as a way to remember the show.

  8. Kat Astrophe says:

    So I want to say this 1st….. F#CK HEROIN!!! And I finally get it now. I broke up with the devil OCTOBER 5th 2012 I was in a tumultuous love affair with it for 3 yrs & now I know why. Regardless of the fact it almost killed me on several occasions IT NUMBED ME! IT DULLED THE STIMULI THAT IS MY OWN BRAIN! IT EASED THE PAIN! NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE STRANGE!…. I’m not going to make excuses but everyone who has ever been a junkie has their reasons & I didn’t know mine til now. I’m so incredibly sorrowed knowing I’ll never get to meet this genius, this fellow tortured soul, Mikey. I only recently discovered his music which is odd since I have been an Atmosphere fan for the last decade, even gotta WARNING tattoo. I adore this brand of hip-hop. It SAYS SOMETHING!!! The first song I heard from Eyedea was by chance my phone picked Perfect Medicine to put in my shuffle “bright enough to blind the sun, makes my itches interesting. Eye’m a SLAVE u’r a story but u’r bravery is boring” that was like a big WTF? A hip hop artist/addict? Spitting about it? That doesn’t happen… Part of the reason I was drawn to Slug too he spit about the bars & I was a barfly at the time. Anyway it was enough to make me listen around. And that’s when I heard the songs Paradise, Burn Fetish, & BY THE THROAT…. I have never been such a mess over a song, I about lost my mind, IT MOVED ME SO MUCH IT MADE ME REALIZE I DID HAVE A SOUL STILL the devil didn’t keep it in the breakup … I wanted to thank this fellow artist, this fellow genius, this fellow addict, this PERSON for his gift of enlightenment. Then I discovered I couldn’t, he was already gone. What a dirty trick. I had finally found a kindred spirit & he was already gone. But I kept searching thru his art, his words, his bared soul & interpretations from fans & I wasn’t listening to the music I was reading the lyrics even tho I had By The Throat on repeat. And I started playing First Born… Color The World Mine, Birth of a Fish, & Murder of Memories, all I needed to hear. I’ve been questioning EVERYTHING since my dad died & Yesterday (Atmosphere) helped me thru his illness & death. But my illness, my addiction, my death, what of it? And I’m always seeking connection & I’d found it By the Throat led me there because Hay Fever is my connection. I held my own head & stuck the needle in then on Friday October the 5th I took my last breath (as an addict) & I will be missed. I have more to learn tho, now I question my purpose not my end. I write poetry now, I discovered I can draw, paint, create. I’m part of a local antiheroin movement #DOGma… And I FEEL ALL OF IT & I LOVE IT!!! And just when I thought I would never cry happy tears I heard Flicker. And I feel so bound, tied, connected now I almost feel like I’m the little sister of Mikey & Sean who tried to be like her big brothers almost to the point of my demise. I almost died as a drunk driver & again I almost died as a sky diver. I give my utmost respect & deepest condolences to all who knew Mikey. I wish I was so lucky… But as cliche as it is HE LIVES ON THRU US!!! The artists, the tortured genius, the addicts, the children, the parents, the music, the LOVE, THE PEACE. I found contentment in the end. Thank u for all ur eyedeas Mikey….R.EYE.P

    • David says:

      I’m so glad Mikey and Slug were able to aid you in your self-discovery and coping. Those two songs — Hay Fever and Yesterday — mean a lot to me, too. Yesterday is one of two rap songs that make me cry (the other is Me and Jesus the Pimp in a ’79 Granada Last Night by The Coup). Hay Fever just about makes me cry, and that date October 5 always sticks out to me. It was the month Eyedea died, and October 5 is my sister’s birthday, and apparently the day you kicked the habit (way to go)! And, of course, it’s just an all-around great song.

  9. Cameron says:

    Hey Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking your time to share your thoughts on here and hope you continue to. I think the ‘wheel’ metaphor on life you explained is great and I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m extremely grateful that you are here to share your ideas, without them I would feel that there’s no longer a tangible connection to your prodigious son. He is, hands down, the biggest inspiration in my life and he has pushed my ambition and motivation beyond definition. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or listen to his amazing work. Not that you don’t already know this but his amazing artistry, beliefs, and eyedea’s are definitely being spread among many other open minded people in this world. His greatness will be manifested through all of us who are fortunate enough to have the chance to know him or know of him and what he did. That’s enough from me for now, please keep these entries coming. Peace!

  10. david says:

    Eyedea saved my life. Lost my dad in 09. I was 19. Contemplated suicide every night.I believe Mikey put “by the throat” out for me to listen to. One reason was because it came out a month before my dads death. And two, if it wasn’t for that one track “smile” I don’t know where I’d be. I just wanted to say thanks to Mikey. For making me feel like I’m not alone. And for giving me the courage to wake up another day.

  11. Taylor Lynn says:

    I stumbled across this today for the first time.. Kathy, I still read everything you post on Facebook.. Normally it guides me and reminds me Mikey still lives on through his music. He teaches me a lesson with every song and continues to pick my brain with every new understanding of the lyrics. I’m missing him especially lately and reading these post helps me pull through. I do as you do and walk through new places or old ones that I love. I sit in my car and contemplate the world and it keeps me same knowing someone else saw what I see. Man, I miss him. Only wish I met him in person. But maybe the personification of him through his music made me know him even better than that. Just some thoughts… Thanks Kathy. You make it easier. The respect and love I have for Mikey only multiples for you. Xoxo Taylor

  12. Koen says:

    Thank you Kathy. You should be very proud.

  13. Brice Johnson says:

    hello there,
    my name is brice and i grew up in ohio and moved to las vegas about 4 years ago,
    it was a big change and throughout it all the only thing i could really connect to was micheal (eyedea)’s lyrics,
    it seemed like the harder things got the more i could connect with what he was saying in his music,
    hes been gone for almost 4 years now but i feel as if he is still here with me.
    singing into my ear.
    if any of you need help with dealing with personal problems please remember there is help.
    we can change the world if we try.
    never let anyone get to you, because in out final form, we are beautiful,
    <3
    spread the love like it was your last minute,
    gone but never forgotten,

  14. Stan says:

    I’m an eighteen year old male, started listening to Mikey at the age of 16. It really is a disappointment that I’ve only recently started listening to his music.

    Mikey’s music has really opened my eyes and changed my whole perspective on things, I really wish that I could’ve met him. To me, Michael is a legend and forever will be. His legacy will not be forgotten and definitely never short-lived. I hope that more artists can produce REAL music with meaning and passion just as Mikey did.

    I just wanted to thank you (Kathy) for being such an amazing human being for making Mikey who he was. Without Mikey, I don’t know how possessed my brain would be.

  15. Brandon says:

    If you ever remember anything about the book you read, id love to know it. Eyedea has and forever will be in my heart. I’ve looked up to him for more than a year now and I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to meet him, rest in peace

  16. Grif says:

    You are so missed man, the only condolence I feel I can offer is that, and this is to Mikey’s mother, your son’s legacy has inspired many people to steer off the path of that insidious horrible drug, and that while his life was short, I’m sure it was so full, and a full life, a long life, in the end I think many would rather live fully for a shorter period than to live forever not pursuing their true passions and gifts. I don’t think life is as much necessarily about quantity as it is quality, and artists are often simply tortured souls. I think its a fact of life, sort of. OF COURSE, I wish he were still here, still hanging with his friends and family and doing music, but AT LEAST HE LIVED. Theres a line from Braveheart “every man dies, not every man truly lives.” I think he lived true to his credos and thats not an easy thing to do at all. Love and respect

  17. Drew says:

    He is The Greatest Of All Time.

    R.EYE.P

  18. Katie says:

    sitting here wide awake at 5am with no one to relate to, speak to, or listen to except what comes out of my speakers. Writers truly never die…for that you are blessed. I just stumbled across this site and felt you should know Michael lives on through his words!!.and to every deep thinker I’ve ever met I show Eyedea and Abilities (of course slug too..) but it takes a truly sensitive and wonderful soul to truly feel what Michael says. One of a kind, remarkable human being…I can only wonder about the wonderful woman he came from

  19. Aydin Adam says:

    Hello Kathy,

    I have a blog and have decided to write a book about my spiritual journey. I made a blog entry today about Mikey, as he remains one of my biggest inspirations in life. I just wanted to spread some love and light your way, and to let you know that Mikey’s legacy is so much broader than you could ever imagine. He was an incredible person. This is the blog entry, if you’re interested. http://aydinadam.blogspot.com/2015/01/eyedeas-never-die.html Love, peace, and blessings to you.

  20. Justin West says:

    Hey there, you mentioned a birthday book so I just wanted to leave this link here on the secret language of birthdays… It really seemed to describe your son based on my understanding of him.
    http://www.thesecretlanguage.com/report/personology/?r=00001109

  21. a person says:

    Hi Kathy,

    I just wanted to tell you that I have been listening to the song, “Smile” a lot lately. Like, a lot. It helps me to remember that I have it pretty damn good. It reminds me to smile.

    I only really discovered Michael’s music fairly recently and after his death, unfortunately. The other day, I was listening to that song in my car, and felt at first a deep sense of loss. I thought to myself, “This person was so influential and had such real, positive shit to say. His songs are so relative and helpful… And he’s gone…” I felt a deep sense of sadness.

    Then, I felt an uplifting sense of gratitude. I was grateful for people all over like this. I am hopeful that there will always be people like this; people who see… See the bullshit for what it is, and see how to get past it all. I hope for a revolution of people and the media. Music can be a tool of mind control, but this kind of music is a tool of empowerment of the individual and communities alike. I am hopeful for a revolution of perception, a revolution of ideas…

    Thank you and bless

  22. Matt Melanson says:

    “I’m walking, not cause I’m mad at you or anyone else, I’m walking, walking until I find myself”.
    Eyedea is definitely your favorite emcee’s favorite emcee!
    Let’s build him a statue as suggested by Brother Ali, after what Mikey did with the mic, I no longer call the mics but instead Mikey’s.

  23. Matt Melanson says:

    *them mics**

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