Well as we reach 3 years since Mikey passed, I still have lots of emotions. I want to say many things to many people but I will keep this as all post in general terms. If this applies to you, you should know it, if it doesn’t you should know that too, and if you are unsure maybe that means you should take a look at what your doing and ask would Mikey do this. I told a little about how when Mikey was asked by a friend to help his mom and host a benefit for his sister who passed. Mikey said yes and changed his tour schedule to be here and host the benefit. So first I would like to say THANKS EVERYONE who has stuck by me and my family, those of you who wish us well, like the posts, support with words of encouragement, buy things from the web pages, those who have gotten tattoo, sent in pictures, made t-shirts, yellow flowers, help with all the stuff, came and boxed up stuff, those of you who continue to listen and support me with all my feelings, ups and downs, those of you who still keep in touch.
As some of you may know but I go to therapy weekly again or now. I did a few times when Mikey first passed but as we both felt I was dealing ok for why I was there I stopped until this past spring. I found myself being very angry at all the things I missed, all the new 1st, dealing with everyone else’s grief, not having anyone but this web place to talk, or vent my feelings. Even on the web sometimes people don’t like the way I feel. Like Mikey said, “These songs ain’t me it’s just the way I feel at a particular moment” As the feelings are not always good or bad they are feelings.
One thing I would love for everyone to try is take just 5 sec (count one mississippi) and think of the person who you are closest to you. Be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, friend, spouse, the one person you count on. The one you think to call for good and bad, to tell this or that to, the one who you rely on and them on you. We all have someone, that one we turn to for all things in life good and bad. Now that person is gone. I don’t mean moved away, you fought and don’t talk, or everyone got busy with life. I mean they are gone you can no longer hear their voice but in your head or on video’s, you no longer see them but in your head or pictures, there are no hugs, no laughter, no smiles, no little teasing between the two, no jokes, no help. Just feel that for 5 second. Some of you will emphasize, some will get a deeper understanding, some will be sympathetic and again some will not.
I try hard to keep up with as many comments, emails, letters, phone calls, shows, activities of others, things to keep Mikey’s legacy going, all the positive things that have come out of this tragedy. One of the main constants has been BradyBrody. Mikey picked him to help Mikey with Crushkill and man has he stepped up and done a GREAT job. Even when he may not agree with me he is of the mind of Mikey and just says your his mom ok if that’s what you want. Maxx too has been very “you can do what you want”.
I have as we get closer to that day 3 years ago I find myself doing more things by myself than I would like or ever had to. The construction or deconstruction has been fun but very hard. I have RA and my hands still after almost a week of not holding a hammer are not able to close or make a fist yet, I will soon I hope. I can’t lift things like carpet without help and that’s hard to find. See my dad lets face it is mid to late 70′s, my brother does as much as he can but he too has a life, wife, family and health issues. He has my kidney which is why he is still alive but they don’t last long. On average transplanted kidney last 10 to 12 years, we are working on 13. So when there is a new layer of grief it is hard to work through again and alone.
At Mikey’s funeral one of his first mentors Glo said, “If this doesn’t change you nothing will” My mom really believes that and has sat back and watched as some have changed for the better, some have returned to who there are, some have claimed they can’t change, but a few she made pictures for really stepping up, in her mind and made an effort.
Be patient with me all things will get out, made, thanked, acknowledged, and the world will get better one person at a time.