I have been feeling out of sorts lately when I go to shows or events, even just driving around town. Most places I look some memory of something comes through. If I drive home from my parents business I go by where Mikey had his apartment and I will look to see if a lights on or a shadow in the window. I know it wouldn’t be him but I still get that thought. Or I have to go shopping and would want to call him and say “you need food lets go shopping?” Like the shows I’ve gone to and said in a face book post how I feel funny, like I’m out of place. Don’t get me wrong the shows have been really good, I’ve had a bit of fun, saw a few people, like I said Slug even tried to get me to dance. I’ve started listening to old music a little again, even put a few old pieces up on some of the sites. Not of Mikey, just music we use to listen to or something that talks to how I feel. Although Mikey had heard any song I put up.
As we are coming up on another holiday I can’t help but to wonder if Mikey would be in town, would I cook, would I be living here, would my sister have cancer, and would Mikey still be saying “I’ll be more famous when I’m dead”. Now when Mikey would say that to my mom or me we would always say something to the effect of I don’t want to hear that, or when you win a grammy I want you to say thank you mom. Which I use to say often to him. In some way we both were kidding but in some way we were not. The yes and no part of life.
Sometimes I wonder did I do enough, I should of taught him better lessons, did I tell him how wonderful he is, when did I stop telling him “I knew before you were born that you are ment to do something great, something that will affect lots of people. I’m not sure what or how but something” when he was little, he would laugh and say how could I do that. I always said I don’t that, I just know you will. When he was older he would respond you have to say that. I use to tell him no I don’t. But really as parents we do. (again yes and no of the world) When he was an adult I remember still saying it but not as often, and he would respond by just saying I love you. I don’t know now if he was just excepting or didn’t want to hear it.
I do believe Mikey knows what we have done, the good and the bad. I do know he knows all the wonder things people have done in his name, all the things that well be here for generations to come. The water well in Africa, the bench and table in Cherokee Park, the countless paintings, drawings, home made tee shirts, tattoos, the parents and children who have been named after him, the star, and the high school senior who took his senior photo with the winter tee on. In that school alone there are over 2000 kids and if only 1/4 of them buy their year book that means another group of people 50 or more years from now will still be talking about why so and so is the only senior in a tee shirt. The same holds true for his high school who gave him a place on their wall of fame. All these and many more thing will carry on his name, his ideals, his way of making everyone of us feel connected will continue. I’m not forgetting the music that is something on it’s own, the other things are a direct result of his passing. I do think he is having a bit of a laugh at our expense “he is more famous” and more eternal.
There are still some who think I’m getting rich, some who think I’m not serving Mikey’s memory in the best way, some who think I’ve not done a good job at doing things the way Mikey would or even some who think I should do more. Sorry to tell you this but I’m not Mikey. I can do the best at what he wanted, finish things he had planned on doing, and things are being done differently, things are a bit less than what he would do himself (in some minds), but that’s cuz he’s not here (physically) any more, but I do know he is with me very step of the way. I also know he’s a bit unhappy with some of us. Not because I’m unhappy with how they have behaved but because he had higher hopes for them.
Mikey believed that all of us, has it within us to do better, help those around you, to improve the world, and love with all your heart. Now many feel they had unfinished business with him, that without him it’s hard to be that better person he knew you could be. But isn’t that the real test can you be better without him? Most of the time I can not. As I have said I have a little black heart, which has been sort of a joke most of my life. I have a couple of life long friends who know how bad I can be, but when Mikey came along I mellowed. One of my friends use to say I only had room for Mikey in my little black heart. He might of been right.
I go back and forth about a lot of things especially when people question why or how I’m doing something but as I have said a few times about time we are of two trains of thought. We either have all the time in the world or there is never enough time. I think I’m working on there is never enough. To get things done, to see things move forward, to put things in place for future plans, all before I run out of time. Which one day will happen I too wont be here.