Nostalgic

I have been feeling out of sorts lately when I go to shows or events, even just driving around town. Most places I look some memory of something comes through. If I drive home from my parents business I go by where Mikey had his apartment and I will look to see if a lights on or a shadow in the window. I know it wouldn’t be him but I still get that thought. Or I have to go shopping and would want to call him and say “you need food lets go shopping?” Like the shows I’ve gone to and said in a face book post how I feel funny, like I’m out of place. Don’t get me wrong the shows have been really good, I’ve had a bit of fun, saw a few people, like I said Slug even tried to get me to dance. I’ve started listening to old music a little again, even put a few old pieces up on some of the sites. Not of Mikey, just music we use to listen to or something that talks to how I feel. Although Mikey had heard any song I put up.

As we are coming up on another holiday I can’t help but to wonder if Mikey would be in town, would I cook, would I be living here, would my sister have cancer, and would Mikey still be saying “I’ll be more famous when I’m dead”. Now when Mikey would say that to my mom or me we would always say something to the effect of I don’t want to hear that, or when you win a grammy I want you to say thank you mom. Which I use to say often to him. In some way we both were kidding but in some way we were not. The yes and no part of life.

Sometimes I wonder did I do enough, I should of taught him better lessons, did I tell him how wonderful he is, when did I stop telling him “I knew before you were born that you are ment to do something great, something that will affect lots of people. I’m not sure what or how but something” when he was little, he would laugh and say how could I do that. I always said I don’t that, I just know you will. When he was older he would respond you have to say that. I use to tell him no I don’t. But really as parents we do. (again yes and no of the world) When he was an adult I remember still saying it but not as often, and he would respond by just saying I love you. I don’t know now if he was just excepting or didn’t want to hear it.

I do believe Mikey knows what we have done, the good and the bad. I do know he knows all the wonder things people have done in his name, all the things that well be here for generations to come. The water well in Africa, the bench and table in Cherokee Park, the countless paintings, drawings, home made tee shirts, tattoos, the parents and children who have been named after him, the star, and the high school senior who took his senior photo with the winter tee on. In that school alone there are over 2000 kids and if only 1/4 of them buy their year book that means another group of people 50 or more years from now will still be talking about why so and so is the only senior in a tee shirt. The same holds true for his high school who gave him a place on their wall of fame. All these and many more thing will carry on his name, his ideals, his way of making everyone of us feel connected will continue. I’m not forgetting the music that is something on it’s own, the other things are a direct result of his passing. I do think he is having a bit of a laugh at our expense “he is more famous” and more eternal.

There are still some who think I’m getting rich, some who think I’m not serving Mikey’s memory in the best way, some who think I’ve not done a good job at doing things the way Mikey would or even some who think I should do more. Sorry to tell you this but I’m not Mikey. I can do the best at what he wanted, finish things he had planned on doing, and things are being done differently, things are a bit less than what he would do himself (in some minds), but that’s cuz he’s not here (physically) any more, but I do know he is with me very step of the way. I also know he’s a bit unhappy with some of us. Not because I’m unhappy with how they have behaved but because he had higher hopes for them.

Mikey believed that all of us, has it within us to do better, help those around you, to improve the world, and love with all your heart. Now many feel they had unfinished business with him, that without him it’s hard to be that better person he knew you could be. But isn’t that the real test can you be better without him? Most of the time I can not. As I have said I have a little black heart, which has been sort of a joke most of my life. I have a couple of life long friends who know how bad I can be, but when Mikey came along I mellowed. One of my friends use to say I only had room for Mikey in my little black heart. He might of been right.

I go back and forth about a lot of things especially when people question why or how I’m doing something but as I have said a few times about time we are of two trains of thought. We either have all the time in the world or there is never enough time. I think I’m working on there is never enough. To get things done, to see things move forward, to put things in place for future plans, all before I run out of time. Which one day will happen I too wont be here.

Love Kathy

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22 Responses to Nostalgic

  1. Kyle says:

    We have a baby Micheal who just turned 2 yrs old. Mikey made a difference every since the day I first came to know of him on the Blaze battles. His mythos grew of course as I matured from simply being enamored with his rapping ability way back then, to growing to understand his insight and intelligence once I was finally able to track down his music some 10 years ago.

  2. cody says:

    I never knew michael and have never met you kathy. I have used eyedeas music to escape from reality for years now.and it has helped me through many a tough time. I cant say i understand how you feel nor do i think i am capable of offering any advice. But i can say every time i read your posts i cry a little. You have a way with words much like michael did. I can also say your doing a great job of preserving his memory. I subscribed to your posts for that reason. Idk your struggle or pain but i do believe your a good person. And no one could ask more of you than that. Stay strong, stay positive, and keep posting everyone i know including myself are interested and supportive of what you have to say.

    • KathyAverill says:

      Thank you for your kind words and support. We as humans have a tendency to hang on to the negative but I do try to hold on to the more supportive, kind words which really helps. Love Kathy

  3. stephanie says:

    Kathy all I can say is that you are one strong passionate woman and I am looking forward to meeting you one day! Somehow someway things end up working out and thank you for all your posts and continuing to post constantly even when life can get hectic. I’m really bad at advice and stuff so all I can say is thank you.

    Hugs from California

    • KathyAverill says:

      Thank you and your not that bad with advice. It is those of you who keep liking, positively comment, and supporting that help me to keep going. But more importantly keep me sharing with everyone even when some are negative. Have a good holiday. Love Kathy

  4. wisdumb says:

    You are one of the most important pieces of this puzzle ms. Kathy. When people buy a painting or a piece of artwork, they buy it for aesthetic purposes, and they also buy it because of the artist. Mikeys fans know how much you meant to so many artists besides Mikey. Your cold little black heart ended up helping countless amounts of others, especially myself. You should never feel out of place, you created a culture that people are proud to be a part of. Happy thanksgiving!!! I appreciate you, and brady too!

    • KathyAverill says:

      Thanks I know that many of you are always supportive but every now and then the nay sayers stick in my head. But I know Mikey is with me, he sends little signs when I’m going in the right way and gets really loud in my head when I’m off track. I hope you have a good holiday love, hug and smile at everyone. Love Kathy

  5. ag says:

    hey kathy. im a uk citizen found eyedea thru one mr rot on a poetry site. at first i didnt realise he died, scrolling the fb posts etc, eyedea and abilities page. but when it clicked i just shut down the computer and thought for a minute about all the shitty things that happen in the world. things break. people die. other people die and they werent famous so its another day another pebble until you have a whole cairn to carry around. we get trapped by our bodies. mrs averill i have no idea if you profit financially but as for losinyour son i would not blame you for letting everybody take a bit of the weight. there is enough left. have a good xmas from my asbestos heart to your lil dark ticker

  6. Koen says:

    Sit back, relax, and be proud. Probably the best advice I ever gave anyone.

  7. Michael Molina says:

    I remember meeting Eyedea at Rock The Bells 2004 at his merch table when I was only 14 years old. A bit nervous approaching him seeing as I was only a shit head teenager but that changed as soon as I started talking to him. Easy to talk to, welcoming and humble. It was an honor meeting him. His music is a huge influence to me. I lost the picture I took with him that day but the memory lives. Rest well Eyedea, rest well.

  8. Carrie says:

    6 days ago with the help of your sons music I managed to finally kick my hard opiate habit. His life and death have been an inspiration for me to find something better. I still listen to a certain few tracks about 100 times a day, just to get through each day.

  9. David says:

    any new music on the horizon kathy?

  10. Angel Cobian says:

    rest in paradise eyedea. i listen to his music everyday, its what helps me get through it

  11. kelly richard says:

    I don’t know Micheal, I don’t know his friends, or his family. But what I do know, is that his music is what helped me through these past three years of achieving sobriety, and peace of mind. I listen to him when I’m sad, and I listen to him when I’m happy. To a lot of people, it seems ridiculous that words can change peoples minds. Most people don’t want to listen.
    But when I chose to listen, my life was truly never the same.

    I can only imagine how wonderful it was to have someone so gifted be a part of your life, even if he wasn’t there long enough.

    – kelly robin richard

  12. Koen says:

    Merry Christmas Eyedea and Kathy <3

  13. James Iwankowksi says:

    Hi kathy, keep strong, and stay positive!
    i just wanted to say that Micheals music has changed so much in my life, and for the better. Hes inspired me, and will allways have a special place with me. His music and his words, including about reality, and consciounous, still baffles me, but i can’t tell you how much i appreciate the fact, that his music has opened my eyes! its amazing, hes amazing, and i wish i had a chance just to talk to him. But yes, thats what i wanted to say, and that his memory, and music, will be with me forever.
    R.I.P Micheal Larsen, AKA Eyedea.

  14. Lyndsey says:

    I just wanted you to know, yesterday I got this tattoo in honour of your Mikey. I loved his mind and what he had to say, and how he said it, that much. Thank you for sharing him with us.

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/NancyBoy/IMG_1668_zps5a2ee642.jpg

  15. James Iwankowksi says:

    what are mikes relgious views, or beliefs? i own allmost all of his work, and a lot of my belief system is adopted by the messages in his beautiful inspiring music. I can honestly say, that without micheal, i would be in a world of hell. Hes been my guidance for moral and emotional support for years, and continues to be to this day. Its just that even though i understand and believe in what he says, i would like to hear from you, what mike belived and the codes he lived by. Really, i would like to believe in them as well, and from wehat i understand know about his beliefs i do follow. I just would like a clearer, belief that you would know more about because you raised him:) Pease resond to me asap, i really really really need to know. Micheal, is the only reason ive never really felt alone, because ive allways shared my beliefs with the message he had in his music, and its because of that, that i stayed sane my whole life! sorry if its hard to read my message, but please contact me or respond. Thanks R.EYE.P.

    • KathyAverill says:

      Sorry this took so long but for some reason I just saw your question. Thank you for asking and what I can say is he believed in part of many different religions. I tried to expose him to the major religious thoughts. He learned about most Christian, Eastern, and Old World. One thing Mikey was very good at doing and picking out, was the parts of things and people that are positive, the things that make us all happy. He believed that you can’t really put words to explain what’s out there. He believed question everything, why you know something, where did you learn it, is it something you believe for yourself or cuz it’s your family, place or friends believing it. Everything is connected, that there is more a common experience than just one person. Mainly we all share a common thought, we started together, as one and spread. He knew we had the ability to do great good but also really bad and everyday is a struggles to stay on the good side of our nature. I hope that helps. Again sorry you wait was long. Love Kathy

  16. scaccia says:

    who are your most noteworthy upcoming musicians you’ve see recently?

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